


1-800-EXORCIST

by Loki_Ro_Sparrow



Category: Original Work
Genre: Demons, Multi, Starbuck - Freeform, fourth wall? what fourth wall, main guy is kinda an asshole, this was written at an ungodly hour, traditional mythology, uh...other tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-14 22:17:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5760976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Ro_Sparrow/pseuds/Loki_Ro_Sparrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke Alighieri<br/>Demonologist, Exorcist, Virtuoso of the Macabre (and professional asshole)<br/>(202)-555-0181</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> the title is up for debate, so if you think of something else please comment it.
> 
> current ones include  
> -Virtuoso of Macabre  
> -Dark Hunters  
> -Bughunt (didn't come up with that one)  
> -The Asshole from Hel

He took in a deep breath, trying to contain his anger. He knew he was failing miserably. The unacceptable excuse of a human being that sat across from him just wouldn’t shut up! Three hours he’d been forced to listen to his constant blabber about his supposedly haunted house and how it was interfering with his daily life. It had gotten to the point where he had begun to try and pinpoint the many different flavors in his, now cold, Starbucks coffee just to get his mind off the unsilenceable man.   
All he wanted to do was leave this godforsaken establishment, leave his would be client (if he had actually dealt in that line of work, he wasn’t a measly paranormal investigator), call a cabbie, and go home. He had a very important date to attend, one with cold pizza and a bottle of whiskey.   
“Shut up,” he told his would be client.  
“Excuse me?” He told him.  
“I said ‘Shut up’. Do you understand English? Must I spell it out for you? S-H-U-T U-P.”  
The man across from him just stared at him, amazed that he had the audacity to tell him to shut up. Right to his face!   
“I’m not a paranor-,” he was cut off by the sound of his phone. Someone was calling him, he wished whoever it was had called earlier so he didn’t have to waste the past three hours of his life. “WHAT!?!” He answered a bit too aggressively.   
“Oh, little dumpling isn’t having a chipper day,” the woman on the other end of the phone was mocking him. “I guess you won’t want to hear about the case I found for them then. Maybe I’ll pass it off to another.”  
“No! What is it? Excuse me,” he told the man on the other side of the table. “Tell me, what is it?” He told her as he walked out of the Starbucks.   
“Well it involves two of your favorite creatures.”  
“I have many favorites, which two are you talking about?”  
“You’ll have to find out when you get through talking to that nice gentleman you said ‘Shut up’ to.”  
“Where are you? How would you know I said that?”  
“Dumpling, I’ve known you since you were knee high to a grasshopper I figured you would have either told him to shut up by now or you’ve began debating whether or not you should sleep with him. Now as for creatures, you’ll have to wait.”  
“Give me five minutes,” he hung up on her and rushed back inside. “We’re done now, do not contact me again,” he told the unsilenceable man in a sharp suit.   
He stood up and gathered his briefcase before throwing a card on the table and leaving, annoyed beyond belief.   
The man who had spoke on the phone not even two minutes before sat down and redialled the number of his friend.   
“He’s gone now. What creatures?”  
“Anxious now are we? Did you even get his number?”  
“I’m not a common whore, Karina. How many times do I have to tell you this? Now what are the creatures?!?!” When he realized he had spoken a bit too loudly he looked over his shoulder to the rest of the cafe’s current inhabitants.   
“But you play one so well.”  
“Karina, what are the creatures,” this time he minded his voice.  
“Fine if you insist I tell you. A strigoi and demon duo.”  
“See, now we’re getting somewhere. What is the case?”  
“Now that is an interesting thing. Come back to the apartment and I’ll show you.”  
“Tell me now.”  
“I’ll have to show you for you to understand what you’d be dealing with.”  
“I hate you.”  
“I know.”  
“Later, Solo,” He very quickly got up and left but returned to retrieve the business card of his that had been returned to him.

 

Luke Alighieri  
Demonologist, Exorcist, Virtuoso of the Macabre  
(202)-555-0181


	2. Two

Luke ran down the streets of DC, honestly not caring if he got strange looks for doing so. It had been like four years since he last cared what other people thought of him, four wonderful, alcohol filled years. He turned up 19th ST NW and then down Corcoran St NW a few minutes later, running into some dark haired woman who was running when he hit the turn onto Corcoran. The phone in his hand kept buzzing, Karina was sending him updates minutely on how long he was taking. Sometimes he wondered why she acted like his mother at times but then would realize it was for the best, none of his hook ups made it past the first night to even become remotely attached. When he arrived at the flat, Karina was waiting for him wine bottle in hand. He knew something had gone bad, she sounded fine on the phone but by now it had almost been an hour and he was pretty sure she was drunk to a degree.  
"Ah, the man of the hour. Lil'Dumpling, ya shoulda been here an hour ago," Karina said, her speech slightly slurred.  
"Why should I have been here an hour ago?" Alighieri closed the door behind him gently, kinda.  
"The FBI came lookin' for ya. Bout that case file you were wavin around at the Jamaican embassy last night."  
"What file? Why was I at the Jamaican embassy last night?"  
"Yo buddy Whiskey Daniels made you, said the Jamaicans needed to know everything about that mobster that went and got himself possessed. Said it was gonna affect their tyrannosaurus rex population."  
"Go to bed, Karina, you're drunk."  
"Not as much as you were."  
"Go to bed, sleep off the alcohol, and when you wake why don't you tell me all about the case with the strigoi and demon."  
Karina got up and shuffled over to the couch, "Okay," her face was buried in the pillows so her speech was muffled.  
Alighieri thought to himself, Thank lordy it's Saturday.

\-----------

Karina woke around three in the afternoon; Alighieri was catching up on his Strigoi lore at the time. She shuffled into the kitchen with a mind numbing migraine. He couldn't help but laugh at his friend, hungover Karina was always entertaining. As she flopped down at the kitchen table with a glass of water in hand.   
“Hangovers are a bitch,” she mumbled against her glass.  
“Like I haven’t heard that one before. Now, what was that case you were talking about over the phone?”  
“Oh that, well I lied a bit-.”  
“That’s to be expected.”  
“Boy, don’t cut me off. As I was saying, I lied a bit; there isn’t a Strigoi involved, sorry.”  
“Awh, damn you, Karina, damn you. I was gettin all excited.”  
“I think you’ll be fine once you read the case file and see the photos from the scene.”  
“Well then give it up, Kri. The file where is it.”  
She rubbed her forehead and shut her eyes tightly, “Don’t talk so loudly, Damnit. Its- its in the book case.”  
Luke rummaged through the bookcase to his left, the one next to the television set, until he found what he was looking for. A munilla folder, tightly pinned between one of his earlier manuscripts that he’d never published, with a crudely written date on the side Luke knew that this was the right file. It had been dated three days prior. He opened it and began to read, barely able to believe what lay before him. A family all brutally murdered except for the youngest daughter who managed to escape. No one had seen her since, thought a message had been written on the wall in blood, ‘Come and find me’. The house had recaked of sulfur, a common sign of demons, and was found in total disarray.   
He paused for a second before getting his rucksack. The bag had all he needed for investigating the case, which he was slightly confused on how Karina had managed to get it. “Karina, finish up, go get dressed.”  
“Why?”  
“We have work to do.”

\--------------

Luke stepped out of his black Audi after he pulled up to the house of the family murdered by demons, the Galaxys as he read in the file. He pulled out his wallet and retrieved a card, a players nine of diamonds, and flashed it to the cops waiting at the door.  
“Your tricks never cease to amaze me, Luke.”  
Luke pretended not to hear her and moved on, “Gabriel used to say the same thing,” he thought. “Detective,” he said to the woman dressed in uniform as he passed her.  
“Alighieri, why are you here?” She caught him by the arm, demanding an answer.  
“I have a case. No where did the murders take place?”  
“In the sitting room, but you won’t be able to get in there: the room is still being investigated. The girl, who is she? Why is she her?”  
“New associate, and yes I will be able to get into the sitting room.”  
“Run while you still can,” the detective told Karina.  
Luke walked off to find the sitting room, as he passed Karina he told her, “Don’t listen to her.” Then he walked down a hall, out of earshot.  
“You might think you’re following him because he’s told you that you’re special, that you’re important to him to the cause. Don’t listen, don’t listen to a word he says. If you follow him, you’ll end up dead,” the detective told Karina.  
“What if I have a reason to follow him?”  
“If you say you’re in love with him, so help me, I will slap some sense into you.”  
“I’m not, but if it weren’t for him, I’d be a slave in Hell right now.”  
“The knights.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“He saved you from the Knights of Di Inferi. Didn’t he?”


End file.
